This kid isn't eating

We’re from families that didn’t waste a whole bunch of food. You cleaned your plate at our homes and usually went back for more. (The long term effects of that is a subject for another post.) What’s been really frustrating for both of us, lately, is Jack’s appetite, or lack thereof. Today, he didn’t want anything we tried to feed him.

Sounds like a great subject to post about, I thought to myself. Here goes nuthin’…

Is a child’s lack of appetite really about not being hungry or is it about something entirely different? The experts say it is about something entirely different…like power.

Now, generally speaking, toddlers do hit a stage where food really isn’t the cat’s meow anymore. At some point we should expect them to not be very interested in the soup du jour. When food turns into a fight, though, it’s more likely that there’s a battle brewing. An epic struggle between the immovable force and the irresistible object. It’s a FOOD WAR!!!

The FOOD WAR is interesting because it’s parents vs. kids, but the food is only a metaphor. (Well…The Cold War wasn’t about the temperature, either.) Food equals power in this struggle. Children want power, autonomy, and authority just like parents do. Not many ways for the kid to get that power, though. Refusing to do something, like eat, is a very effective way for a child to go on the offensive and feel like he’s in charge. Let’s see how Jack fares in his attempt to “be the boss”.

Jack’s at the dinner table and his preferred method of combat is to push his plate away. It’s a crucial first salvo and how we respond could very well define the battle. Jennifer leads the response and it’s a…

Negotiation!!! “If you eat dinner, you can have a banana.”

Oh man. Jack 1, M&D 0. Bad first move for the ‘rents. Jack sucked us right in, didn’t he? He actually invited the negotiation by asking for the banana instead of his dinner.  We’ve shown our cards and now Jack knows that we’re emotionally invested in getting him to eat that plate of food. We’ve just fueled the fire and he knows he’s got us right where he wants us. Rather than go for the kill, Jack wants to have a little fun with us.

Jackie makes like he gets it. He even hints at pulling the plate back over since he really wants that banana. Psych!! We push it back to him and…REJECTED!!! “No dinner,” he says. Damn. Jack 2, Mom and Dad 0.

Back to the drawing board for the two adults in the room. So what do the amateur negotiators do next? Bid against ourselves, of course. (Good thing we’re not buying a car from this 2 yr. old) “You can have a banana and a piece of cake if you eat your dinner.” It was hard to write that. How embarrassing! It happened, though.

Jack is smacking his lips, jumping up and down for joy, and practically salivating at this point. (Figuratively, of course)  Two desserts and all he has to do is eat dinner. He’s rounding third and heading for home. His response, you ask?

No dice.

He pushes the plate away, yet again. You would think two desserts equals victory in Jack’s mind. He’s two, after all. It’s not about the food, remember? It’s about power and every time Jack says “no” and we respond by continuing the battle, he gets a little closer to the finish line.

So how do us parents win the FOOD WAR?

Simple. Don’t engage in battle. Works for Switzerland, right? Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW says “First, you have to totally back off nagging and end this power struggle; short of strapping him down and feeding him intravenously, he can always win this power game.” How true.

Marilyn Heins, M.D., F.A.A.P tells us, “Actually, the more you focus on food the more likely your child is to stonewall and refuse to eat. Even pre-verbal children soon sense that what goes in their mouth is a very important issue at their house. Further they realize that refusal of food gets results. Mother pays exquisite attention to you and what remains on your highchair tray. Look how worried she is!” Jack was definitely the center of attention in our little “conflict.”

Ok, so we’re going be laissez-faire about Jack pushing the plate away. No biggie. Like Todd’s Aunt Ann says, “When he’s hungry he’ll eat.” Still, we do have to make sure our little boy is properly nourished. In comes Dr. Heins again with some tips on keeping the kiddos fed well, without inciting a riot.

• Make sure that you cut down on the milk when your baby starts eating solids. 16 oz. per day is plenty.

• Cut back portion sizes. Use the guideline of one tbsp per year of age for starches, fruits and veggies. Meat portions should be the size of the child’s palm.

• Work in new foods, but don’t stress if the kiddo poo-poo’s them. It’s not you, it’s the food.

Here’s Dr. Heins full article on this fun subject. This link will send you to Carleton’s Kendrick’s Q&A. Pay attention to the last couple paragraphs for some good strategies to help you stay in charge of the situation without doing battle.

Remember, you only have to wait until the next meal to finally put an end to your FOOD WAR!!!

Here’s to peace and good food.